November 22, 2010

I posted the question that I have been working on: is it the desire to have or to feel that my heart is aching for?

One of my friends replied that it what was missing that is hurting me right now.

So, I have been thinking about what is missing in my life. I suppose that the only part of my life that has a missing piece is romantic love. I have lots of friends and family members with whom I can give and receive love, but there is no man that I can call my own.

I miss a man's touch and his warmth. I miss putting my head in the crook of his arm and shoulder as we lie together sleeping. I miss putting my hand on a man's chest and feeling his solidness. I miss holding hands and feeling his fingers tighten around mine in assurance that he is thinking about me and only me.

I miss the smell of a man: his unfloral and heavy, thick smell.

I miss receiving that look that was only meant for me. I miss conversation and laughter with a man. I miss going out and seeing the world with him. I miss staying home and not going out.

For eight years now, my hands have felt the softness of yarn and the hardness of bamboo needles as well as the warmth of a cat. These things are important to me, but so is human touch--especially the touch of a man who cares about me.

I had numbed myself down following the breakdown of my marriage in 2002. I didn't want to put myself out there again to get hurt and rejected. I shut down.

Now that my divorce is moving along, I find myself waking up to the possibilities of having a man in my life. I am rusty in my technique of letting a man know that I am interested in him, but I will be able to shake off the rust quickly. Times are different than the last time that I was the hunter: Facebook and smart phones and blogs, so I have to be careful about what I do and say. In the past, I would fill up notebooks of words expressing my doubts, fears, hopes, and dreams. I still do that. There are just some things that don't belong in the cyberworld.

If I say that I am living a fearless life, then I must get out and do it. Otherwise, I am just a lie.